Toothicus Denticus
by Dr.E. Vance
Summary: While on their travels, Trillian gets a toothache. Arthur almost falls into infinity, Ford saunters, and Zaphod and Marvin find the laughing gas and a very lonely cow .
1. Introduction

**This is my second attempt at a story for Hitchhiker's Guide. I decided to make this funny instead of dramatic. **

**OH! By the way, I'm trying to make my own CD of songs that remind me of Hitchhiker's Guide but I only have two songs at the moment. Anyone have anything that I could use?**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS. THEY BELONG TO DOUGLAS ADAMS, GOD BLESS 'IM. I ONLY OWN THE RECEPTIONIST AND THE DENTIST. BASICALLY ANYONE WHO WORKS IN THE DENTIST OFFICE IS MINE. MY FRIEND ANNA OWNS HERSELF. WHEW. **

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy _doesn't have much to say on the topic of dentists but it does have this to offer:_

_Dentist's happen to be the third most least likable and scary people in the Universe. The Vogons, of course, are second in line. Coming first though, was luckily blown up along with the Earth and he was the present day Michael Jackson, quoted to be "the scariest white woman I've ever seen." _

_Dentists all over the Universe are the same. They stick their hands (or tentacles if you live on Sans-Nebula 5) in your mouth and scratch your gums. So it's understandable why more than half of the Universe has the best oral hygiene ever seen. _

_This is excluding Earth. _

_They had rotten teeth._


	2. Not THE dentist!

CHAPTER one

_The Heart of Gold_ drifted gently through the starry skies. A few scattered planets were around but nothing special was happening.

It gets boring when nothing special happens.

Everyone was on the bridge. Ford was leaning over the Guide trying to edit a few passages about rabbits and Arthur was leaning over his shoulder trying to see what he was doing.

Marvin, as usual, was slumped into a corner mumbling to himself about something or other. Trillian was collapsed in a nearly comfortable chair every now and then rubbing her lower jaw and wincing.

A local radio station was turned up almost as loud as it could possibly get and Zaphod was dancing around to the song playing. Eddie, the computer, was happily singing along to the song playing.

The song finally ended and Trillian sighed, finally getting a chance to speak but before she could start, another song came on.

"I'm sorry, baby, what you say?" Zaphod yelled over the music. Trillian repeated herself. "What?" Zaphod asked again.

Trillian pulled herself up and switched off the radio.

"I said 'my tooth really hurts. I think we should find a dentist.'" She stomped her foot and rubbed her jaw at the same time.

"Not the dentist! No way! Trill . . ." Zaphod pleaded.

"What's wrong with the dentist?" Trillian asked. Ford answered for him.

"When we were younger, we had a dentist obsessed with teeth. . ."

Trillian was confused. "Aren't all dentists . . ."

"I meant pulling teeth. Don't interrupt. So one day the dentist decides he's going to pull some teeth for no reason. Zaphod was his next patient." Ford finished as if that was all he needed to say.

"Oh my . . . how many?" Arthur asked.

"Five. No anesthetic either. Just pulled them out. Been 'fraid of the dentist ever since."

Zaphod nodded in agreement and got up off his knees.

"I'm sorry, Z. But this really hurts and I need to see someone." Trillian went up to the computer who was still happily humming the recent song. "Computer."

"Why yes! How can I help you this lovely . . ."

"Where's the . . . ow . . . nearest dentist?"

"Why, that's only ten miles away on the planet Toothicus Denticus. The tooth Capital of the Universe! Did you know . . ."

"Just show us the coordinates."

"Yeah, yeah. Alright." And the computer complied.

"Looks like were making a pit stop at the dentist." Ford sighed and sat down with the Guide again. Arthur continued looking over his shoulder. Marvin mumbled in the corner. Trillian collapsed in the nearly comfortable chair again and Eddie began to hum again as he steered the ship to the planet.

Zaphod fainted.

**I need reviews! And suggestions for the CD. . . both would be gladly accepted . . . pu-leese! **


	3. Look! It's the President!

CHAPTER two

"Is this really necessary?" Arthur grunted. "Couldn't we have left him on the ship?"

"Alone? Are you kidding me?" Trillian puffed. Ford said nothing and sighed. At the moment, Trillian and Arthur had a grip on his arms and Ford was pushing from behind a kicking and yelling Zaphod. Marvin trudged behind.

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO! NO, NO, NO! I WON'T! LET GO OF ME!" Zaphod yelled. They made it to the door and Zaphod broke free and began to run back to the ship. Ford grabbed Zaphod's arm and forcefully pulled him back and pushed him ahead of everyone inside.

"He's not even the one going! Why's he making such a fuss!" Trillian complained. The inside of the waiting room wasn't too pleasant. It was clean, that was the good thing. But it smelled stale and it was stark and old.

It was also completely and utterly empty.

Arthur, Ford, and a reluctant Zaphod approached the desk, leaving Trillian to sit with the paranoid android.

"Can I help you?" the rather large purple alien at the desk asked.

"We, uh . . ." Arthur began.

"We need to see a dentist." Ford said matter-of-factly.

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"Well I don't think . . . our dentist is on lunch break. Come back in about an hour."

They didn't want to come back in an hour though. They needed something to convince . . .

"Look! It's the President!" Arthur and Ford shoved Zaphod forward.

"Of the Universe?" the purple alien questioned. Zaphod managed a weak smile. "Well, hold on a moment then." And the alien walked away.

"You know, one of these days that tricks not going to work. I'd like to see what you would come up with then." Trillian called out. A door nearby the desk was thrown open and an alien very similar to the one at the desk bounded at in a white coat.

Zaphod screamed and hid behind Arthur. Trillian smacked her forehead.

"So, who's my lucky patient today?" the dentist spotted Zaphod peeking around Arthur. "The President! I'd be honored to clean your teeth! Come along!"

Zaphod kicked Arthur. "Um," Arthur stumbled on words. "He's just . . . uh . . . visiting. It's actually someone else. Trillian. Over there." Arthur pointed and Trillian got up and made her way over.

"Oh, well." The dentist seemed disappointed but quickly recovered. "Well, a friend of the dentist is just as good. Come on then young lady. Tell me what's wrong." And the dentist led Trillian through the door.

"Is this the only dentist you have here?" Arthur asked.

"Well, no." the alien at the desk looked up. "we just got a transfer from Betelgeuse. Dr. Silverman."

Ford's mouth hung open in surprise.

Arthur shrugged and went to sit back down.

Marvin groaned about dentist drills.

Zaphod screamed and ran in circles around the waiting room.


	4. The beginning of the moment you've been ...

**Let's just say that I'm sorry about the mistakes I made. Don't worry about the CD. I finished. If anyone wants to know the songs just e-mail me and let me know! If you want a copy . . . well, you'll just have to figure that out for yourself. **

CHAPTER three

Five minutes later, Zaphod was still running and screaming, but much slower because he was getting tired. Arthur and Ford were sitting on the bench in the room watching him trying to see how long he could go on for.

The alien was reading a book, trying to ignore Zaphod as he every few seconds ran past her desk. Finally, the alien couldn't take it anymore.

"Could you please make him stop!" the alien ordered rather than asked.

The next time Zaphod ran past Ford, Ford stuck his foot out and tripped him. Zaphod fell face first on the floor with a loud thud.

"Thank you." The alien went back to reading.

"No problem." Ford smiled. Zaphod sat up.

"OW! Hey, that hurt." He rubbed his nose.

Suddenly, from behind the door, there was a loud scream. The three men looked at each other and immediately got up and made there way to the desk.

"What was that?" Ford asked. The alien politely looked up.

"Oh, probably a patient of Dr. Silverman's. He doesn't use anesthetic."

"The alien said that there were no other patients . . ." Arthur quivered.

"TRILLIAN!" the men yelled together and made there way to the door.

"Come on Marvin!" Zaphod called back to Marvin, who sighed and pulled himself up and made his way to the group.

"Hey! Where are you going! You can't go there! Don't make me call security!"

But they didn't listen and pushed their way through the big white door and were met with a hallway, walls painted blindingly white like the door, at least a mile long. Hundreds of doors were on either side of the walls and the ceiling was a long mirror giving the hallway a big and scary feel.

"We'll have to spilt up if we want to find her quickly." Zaphod suggested.

"Great. You stick with Marvin." And Arthur and Ford went running down the hall to the first door.

"Hey! Guys! Come back! WAIT!" Zaphod yelled at them, but they ignored him. Zaphod turned and looked drearily at Marvin. "Well, lets just go, okay?"

"Alright, I suppose. You don't have to talk to me. I know you don't want to." Marvin moaned so terribly it was bad enough to kill something already dead. Zaphod heaved a gigantic sigh and walked to the first door opposite the one Ford and Arthur were trying to heave open.

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"Why won't it open?" Ford tugged at the knob. Arthur just watched, he had given up trying. He hoped Zaphod was having more luck. "THERE!" Yelled Ford, startling Arthur, and the door swung open.

"Thank god . . ." Arthur took a step and felt nothing. No floor. He suddenly began to fall . . . and fast. Ford yelped and grabbed Arthur's wrist and held on tight. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! WHO DOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS!" Arthur screamed as he clung on to Ford and tried not to look down.

"Zaphod!" Ford yelled and luckily, Zaphod was in ear shot and came running. He looked down.

"Holy crap!" and he immediately grabbed hold of Arthur's wrist as well and helped Ford pull Arthur up. As soon as he was safe, Ford slammed the door shut.

"Well, she's not in there." Ford innocently smiled and Zaphod rolled his eyes and went to go back and join Marvin. "On to door number two."

"Maybe you should go first this time." Mumbled Arthur.

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

Zaphod had more luck in opening the first door, but not more luck with what was inside. In the middle of the room was a small bathtub filled with water.

"Well that's . . . interesting." Was the only word Zaphod could find for his discovery. Marvin stayed quiet. Zaphod approached the tub and began to lower his hand into the water.

"I wouldn't do that you know. Something's going to happen. It always does." Marvin sighed.

"Oh, shut up." Zaphod retorted and put his hand in the water. It was warm and comforting. "Ahh, that feels good." Zaphod closed his eyes. Suddenly he felt something tug at his arm and when he opened his eyes, he saw a large blue tentacle wrapped around his arm, pulling him in the tub.

Zaphod tried to pull away, but the other thing was stronger. He tried using his other two arms to push the tentacle off, but two other tentacles appeared from the drain and snagged the other two arms. Zaphod screamed for the third time that day as his head neared the water.

Marvin sighed and turned, spotting Arthur walking out of their door number two covered in splotches of mud.

"Excuse me." Marvin called out.

"Yes, what?" Ford wiped mud off his cheek. "Where's Zaphod."

"He's being pulled down a bathtub drain by a monster, just thought you ought to know. I'm fine, if you ever cared to ask." Marvin added at the end.

"Your kidding." Arthur spit mud on the floor. A water choked scream came from the room Marvin was standing in front of. Ford and Arthur pushed past Marvin and ran into the room.

Zaphod felt someone grab his waist and begin to pull, but he wasn't aware of much as it felt like there was water sloshing in his ears and brain(s).

Ford had grabbed Zaphod and left Arthur to beat at the tentacles. Giving up, Arthur pinched a tentacle and it slid down the drain again. He pinched the other two and Ford pulled Zaphod out of the tub.

"You okay?" Ford patted his semi-cousins back as Zaphod hacked up water.

"Just great." Zaphod managed between coughs. "What'd you find in number two?"

"Mud. Lots of mud." Arthur flicked mud off his sleeve.

"Well, your fine. We'll head off. Luck with your number two door, huh?" Ford sauntered out the door, Arthur squishing behind.

Zaphod coughed a little more than stood up and squeezed his dripping hair out. He squelched out the room, Marvin following, and the door closed shut by itself.

"I'm feeling very depressed. Thought you might care for once. You don't have to pretend though." Marvin stumbled to the next door.

Zaphod dripped.

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Trillian looked around her dentist, whose name was Dr. Jones. It was a startlingly normal name for such a funny looking guy. But he was kind, and for that she was grateful.

"Did you hear that scream? I think it came from the other room." Trillian attempted to talk with a mouthful of cotton balls.

"Oh, I guess Dr. Silverman had a patient today after all." Dr. Jones shrugged.

"He sounds rough." Trillian choked on a ball.

"What?"

"He sow-n-eds ruff!" she said slowly.

"Hmph. Idiot never uses painkillers. I honestly do not know why he still has his license." Dr. Jones grumbled and took the cotton balls out of Trillian's mouth and tossed them down a hole in the floor.

"Is it okay? The tooth?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Just wait here and I'll go get something you can put on it. It'll feel better in no time!" he smiled cheerily and left. Trillian leaned back and yawned.

"I hope the guys aren't doing anything stupid."

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Zaphod came running out of the fifth door on his side and Arthur and Ford crawled out of the eighth door on their side.

"How's it going?" gasped Zaphod.

"Just great! You?" panted Ford.

"Making real progress!" Zaphod rolled his thirsty tongue around his dry mouth.

"You're lying." Ford smiled.

"So are you."

"ARRGG! We'll NEVER find her!" Arthur stamped his foot and made a face that was supposed to be of anger but looked rather humorous instead.

There was another scream from down the hall and a loud bang. Arthur jumped, then moaned.

"Let's carry on then, I guess." Ford rubbed his eyes.

"Sure, sure. I'd be going at your rate if this stupid robot wasn't so slow." Zaphod rolled his eyes as Marvin shuffled out the door and closed it just as a very hungry lion was about to snag him.

Ford and Arthur made there way to the ninth door on there side and Zaphod and Marvin plodded along to the sixth one. Zaphod tiredly pulled the door open and walked inside.

His face immediately brightened at what was inside.

"MOO!" said the cow whose nap was disturbed. But that wasn't what Zaphod was excited about. He was excited about what was in the middle of the room.

For there, placed neatly in the exact middle, was an entire tank of laughing gas.

"Oh, no. Here we go again." Whined Marvin as the door slammed shut.


	5. Dun, dun, dun

**I'm SO sorry that I took so long to do another chapter. I've just been busy and the Blade story was a spur of the moment, I promise. **

**SPREAD THE WORD: AT SOME POINT TODAY, I'M CHANGING MY PEN NAME TO "DR. E. VANCE" SO YOU KNOW WHERE I AM AND WHAT HAPPENED. THE CHANGE IS MOSTLY DUE TO PARANOIA AND A LITTLE TO LACK OF INTEREST. **

CHAPTER four

"Holy Cow! Do you see that!" Zaphod was practically jumping up and down. The cow, pleased to be called 'holy' looked at the tank.

"MOO."

"Exactly. Look at it Marvin!"

Marvin turned slowly and sniffled the best way a robot could, which ended up sounding close to a vacuum sucking up the pet canary.

"Do I have to?"

"Tsk. Do you know what this is?" Zaphod asked with enthusiasm. After receiving no answer from Marvin, Zaphod turned to the cow. "Well, do you?"

The cow took her time staring at it. Then she lifted her head and stared her big brown eyes at Zaphod.

"MOO."

"Close, but no cigar. It's a tank of laughing gas. You mean to say you've been sitting in a room with something you don't know what it is?"

"MOO."

"Whatever." Zaphod was back to being excited. "This is . . . AMAZING! I'm going to try some."

Twenty minutes later, Zaphod was on the floor uncontrollably laughing. The cow had laid back down and was watching with a hint of amusement and Marvin still stood in the doorway.

"Come on Marvin. Try some! Wait, why am I asking a ROBOT?"

"It'll only make me more miserable to know that it's only temporary."

" Oh, Marvin." Zaphod turned to the cow. "Tell him."

The cow was very pleased she had company and went into a long speech about how it was good for you. Sadly, all Marvin heard was:

"MOO."

But Zaphod heard:

"First, I want to thank you for visiting me and ask that if you leave, could you take me with you. Laughing is actually found to be very healthy for you. It said it in the paper yesterday. Not to be cliché but it does take more muscles to frown than to smile."

Nobody knew Zaphod could speak cow. Neither did Zaphod actually, he just did.

"Did you hear that Marvin? Of course you can come with us! Only problem – robot don't have muscles." Zaphod stood and pointed a finger at Marvin. "MARVIN, I ORDER YOU TO TRY IT. You have to do it when I order you to!"

Marvin shuffled his metal feet over to the tank and picked up a mask. He sighed and placed it to his metal mouth and Zaphod turned it on. Marvin held it up for a few seconds then slowly lowered it.

Zaphod was about to give up hope and then . . . he heard a noise. It was a noise that he couldn't give a name. He couldn't place it. Then he realized it.

Marvin was laughing.

Marvin laughed and the entire universe stopped. Everyone stopped what they were doing. The planets stopped moving. The air stopped blowing, the clouds stopped drifting, the water stopped flowing, and all plant life stopped growing.

Arthur and Ford were walking out of a room when they stopped in their tracks.

"Did you feel that?" Arthur shuddered.

"Yeah. Everything just . . . stopped."

"What could cause something like that?"

"There's only two things that could do that?"

"What are they?" Arthur was worried.

" The universe shutting down and . . ."

"And . . . ?"

"I think Marvin just laughed."


	6. Not again

**Oh my . . . that's DISGUSTING! Oh, sorry I'm watching ER and . . . well, you probably don't want to know. Sorry I took so long to update, I've been busy and then – all truth – I haven't felt like writing. Oh, and because I'm getting such good suggestions music wise, I'm making a second CD. **

CHAPTER five

Trillian thanked Dr. Jones profusely. The medicine worked miracles and her tooth felt like it never hurt in the first place. She bounded happily out of the room, carrying a bag with a new toothbrush, sample toothpaste and floss.

Despite her complaints, a brightly colored sticker decorated her shirt and now she kind of liked it. Down the hall, she heard yelling and footsteps getting louder. Suddenly, two manically running men were running in her direction.

"TRILLIAN!" One of them yelled. She finally realized who these crazy people were.

"Arthur? Ford?" she smiled but then yelped as they almost ran her over. "What's wrong?"

Arthur got up off of Ford and helped to pull Ford up before flicking a little dried mud off the back of his hand.

"Are you okay?" Ford asked, grabbing Trillian by the arms and shaking her.

"Yes, yes. Stop shaking me! Are you guys okay?" Trillian pulled Ford off of her and grimaced at the mud and god knows what else streaked on her shirt.

"We're good. We thought the other doctor got you."

"You mean the doctor with the screaming patient?"

"Well . . ." Ford began but a sound of stampeding hooves echoed in their direction.

"By the way, where's Zaphod and Marvin?"

As if to answer her question, a rather large cow halted to a stop in front of the threesome. Zaphod looked down from the cow at Trillian and flashed her one of his infamous smiles.

"Hey, sweetheart. You're alright!" Zaphod gave her a thumbs up and Marvin sighed. Trillian took in everything with amusement.

"You're . . . riding a cow. How, interesting."

"And wouldn't you've guessed it – I can speak cow!"

Before Zaphod had a chance to elaborate on his discovery, though, a door crashed open and out jumped everyone's, Zaphod's especially, nightmare.

"IT'S DR. SILVERMAN! RUN!" screamed Zaphod and kicked the cow. The cow turned dramatically and ran back the way it came, leaving Trillian, Ford, and Arthur no choice but to run after it.

Fifteen minutes later, the group came tearing out of the building on their way to the ship. Trillian and the other two had a hard time keeping up with the cow and it was frustrating at times.

As they ran over the rocky terrain, Arthur checked behind him and sighed with relief to see Dr. Silverman had given up following them a long time ago.

"We're almost there!" Zaphod called from ahead and everyone cheered. Less than a minute later, there was a loud thump from the back. Everyone stopped, including the cow, and turned around.

"OW! MY TOOTH!" Arthur yelled.

**That was horrible wasn't it. It could've been worse I suppose… maybe ER isn't the best show to watch when you aren't feeling too well, huh? NO MORE MUSIC SUGGESTIONS – I mean it this time. I'm starting the second CD today and I think I have enough. I'm giving everyone who gave me suggestions credit. THANK YOU EVERYONE!**


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